The 12-Minutes after the Game
Your child just had a rough game. They are still keyed up, and they are sitting next to the person whose opinion matters most to them. When researchers interviewed young athletes and their parents about the drive home, the athletes' experiences split. Some enjoyed the ride and looked forward to talking it over. Others endured it, and some dreaded getting in the car.
Most of us treat those minutes as a chance to help. We debrief the mistake, we reassure, or we blame the referee. All 3 come from love, and all 3 end the discomfort early.
That discomfort is exactly where a child practices frustration tolerance, the ability to feel bad about something and discover that the feeling passes. It grows each time a child feels frustrated and nothing terrible happens.
The car ride is not a conversation
Every time we fill the silence, we take away a chance to practice. Here is what the 12 minutes can look like instead.
Say 6 words, then stop. "I love to watch you play." It does not ask your child to evaluate anything or argue with you.
Skip the debrief. "What happened in the fourth?" turns a feeling into a problem to solve. If the feedback matters, it will still be true on Tuesday.
Skip the reassurance and the blame. "You were great" is a claim your child knows is not true. "That ref was terrible" teaches that a hard outcome always belongs to someone else.
Let the silence be silence. Put on music, and ask, "Are you hungry?" Many kids start talking on their own a few minutes later, often about something else entirely.
Ask ahead of time. Some kids do want to talk it through right away. If you are not sure which kind of kid you have, ask on a calm day what they want the ride home to feel like, and follow their lead.
Your calm does more work than your words.
Why this matters most for intense kids
This matters most for the intense, hard-to-sit-next-to kid. Research on child temperament, including work by one of our clinical directors, Dr. Cara Kiff, suggests that highly reactive children are often more sensitive to how parents respond, for better and for worse. The same calm that feels small in the moment can carry more weight for them.
Take care of yourself
These rides are hard on us too. Give yourself credit for the ones that go well, and let the others go.
Know when to bring in help
If mistakes, losses, or pressure are hitting your child harder than they used to, we can help. Our psychologists and therapists provide therapy and testing for children, teens, and young adults, in Calabasas and online. Many families start the same week they call, and we check your out-of-network benefits and submit your claims for you.
Book a free 20-minute call, or call or text 818-722-6964.
If your child is in crisis, call or text 988, or go to the nearest emergency room.